Final Fantasy News
by Nakota
Summary: I just added Day 3, please review
1. Day One

Final Fantasy: News  
  
*2 years have passes since Sephiroth farted and blew up the moon.... And Kuja is a gay piece of #%&...WHO WROTE THIS*  
  
Squall: *snickering*  
  
*Sigh**2 years have passes since (Fart) Sephiroth summoned Meteor and the gang destroyed it (GODZILLA) peace has returned the the once humble (PASTA) world, Shinra has re-risen and (TURKEY) is now making news programs around the FFVII, VIII, IX world, the heroes and villains from those 3 world have (POOPIE) been hired to run the news program (BUTTWEEP)  
  
And also (psssss) CLOUD IF YOU SCRIBBLE ONE MORE STUPID WORD INTO MY PROLUGE I WILL RIP OUT YOUR HAIR WHITE TONGE*  
  
---------------------------------------------------T.V comes to life-------- ------------------------------------------------  
  
*Giant Shinra logo appears with the words 'Today's News' flashing underneath them, Cloud and Tifa are sitting at a desk, which is filled with paper*  
  
Tifa: Hello, I'm Tifa Lockhart  
  
Cloud: And I'm a turkey *sticks out tongue*  
  
Tifa: *Annoyed Look* Anyway, In today's news a giant fire is raging in the Shinra Mansion, countless of items have been lost, we now cross over to Vincent Valentine, who is at the Mansion in Nibelhiem  
  
*Vincent Appears on screen*  
  
Vincent: I'm here at the Shinra Mansion were fires have been going on for several hours, I'm going to interview on of the residents  
  
Sephiroth Clone #2: Gre..at…..Sephi…roth…is near  
  
Vincent: *worried look on his face* None of the residents care about the fires because they are all brainwashed idiots that are looking for a retard in a black cape  
  
Tifa: How did the fires start  
  
Vincent: We don't know, but we believe that Yuffie is the cause since she is trying to get out of the mansion without us seeing her  
  
*Camera Aims on Yuffie*  
  
Yuffie: Sh*t, I DIDN'T DO IT *Hides flame-thrower, pulls out a gun and shoots camera*  
  
Tifa: Ok then, Cloud over to you  
  
Cloud: *Pretending his hand is a plane* Brmmmmmmmm *Notices that camera is on him* Oh sh*t, anyway, in related news, A Plane his crashed in the worst place possible, we cross over to Squall Leonheart  
  
*Camera crosses to Squall, who is at Balamb Garden*  
  
Squall: I am here at Balamb Garden were a 747 jumbo jet as lodged itself up my ass  
  
Rinoa: *In Background* MWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA  
  
Squall: Anyway, yes none of the 2000 people were hurt, and if you excuse me, I'm gonna go see a chiropractor *Limps off towards his car* (Don't ask me how he is gonna fit a 747 in his car)  
  
Cloud: Very *Snicker* interesting  
  
Tifa: It has been 4 months since Kuja traveled of to the Mist Continent, let's check up on him  
  
*Camera shows Kuja laughing Demonically as he shoots energyballs at Alexandria, he's shouting something about $1 off hamburgers at McDonalds*  
  
Cloud: *O.O!* Creepy stuff, now to the cover story, Irvine Kinneas is one of the world hottest young stars, here he is in a interview with our reporter 'Cait Sith'  
  
Cait Sith: So, Irvine , tell us about your new movie  
  
Irvine: Its called, Irvine: The Movie its about me when I was at Galbadia Garden, Edea came at tried to take it, but I stood up to her, here is a clip of the scene  
  
*Clips shows Irvine trying to have sex with a chicken*  
  
Irvine: (O.O!) Wrong one, here we go  
  
*Clip starts, Edea and Irvine are standing infront of Galbadia garden*  
  
Edea: NOW I WILL TAKE OVER THE GARDEN MWAH HA HA HA  
  
*Boom box can be clearly seen from the top corner of the screen*  
  
Irvine: Not so fast  
  
Edea: *Now in slow motion* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Irvine: YES *pulls dramatic pose as camera zooms in…..a bit too far, we can now see up Irvine's nose*  
  
*Clip Ends*  
  
Cait Sith: What Genre is it  
  
Irvine: Horror  
  
Cait Sith: *Mumbling* I can see why  
  
Irvine: It is also the cheapest movie ever produced  
  
Cait: How much did it cost  
  
Irvine: 673095674986796976867986756456436456454 gill, unlike the most expensive movie, Titanic 2  
  
Cait: How much was that?  
  
Irvine: 673095674986796976867986756456436456455 gill  
  
Cait: But that's only one gill more  
  
Irvine: I KNOW, IT'S A RIP OFF  
  
Cait: Right?!  
  
Irvine: I DID NOT HUMP THAT CHICKEN  
  
Cait: *Confused* I never said you did  
  
Irvine: You're against me, you all are *jumps out window and plummets 50 stories to his death in a trash compactor*  
  
Cait: *Looks at camera with a sad and scared look*  
  
Tifa: Irvine has just died, who cares, in related news, the great fighter Seifer has just passed away, well show you his grave  
  
*Camera shows Seifers grave, low mumbling noises can be heard under the ground and Sephiroth laughing can be clearly heard*  
  
Sephiroth: Seifer has just died, Heh heh heh  
  
Tifa: But we can here him  
  
Sephiroth: *Points to another part of the ground* No, that's Yuffie your hearing, Seifer shut up hours ago…oops *Slashes Camera with Masamune*  
  
Tifa: AH SCREW IT, just go to the weather report  
  
*Barret appears on screen with a map of the FFVII world behind him*  
  
Barret: The weather in Midgar is gonna be #%&%ing hot with degrees of 575057430, thanks to Meteor stuck in suspended animation, stupid Holy and that $%($ Aeris  
  
-Weather in Nibelhiem is expected to get really hot as a volcano has just appeared  
  
Vincent: *In background* MY HOME, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Barret: Anyway, Rocket town is set for cold temperatures since it's gonna be the first location of the new Ice Age which will enventualy kill us all *smiles*  
  
Tifa: Say Barret, when did you become the weatherman, where Aeris?  
  
Barret: Erm…..um……duh *starts sweating*  
  
Soldier: We found Aeris in the change room, gagged and nearly killed to death (O.o?)  
  
Tifa: GET HIM, SHOOT HIM  
  
*Giant words appear on screen saying 'Due to Technical Difficulties, Shinra new will not finish to night, please enjoy our feature long screening of Chickens and Irvine'*  
  
*Credits roll as movies of Irvine humping chickens airs on T.V*  
  
---------------------------------------------------------Epilogue----------- -------------------------------------------------  
  
-Cloud was put into a mental institution after thinking he was superman…broken arm and shattered ego  
  
-Tifa became one of the world greatest bouncers  
  
-Barret was put into a jail cell for life, which was filled with many gay men O.O! *shudders*  
  
-Sephiroth kept on laughing as he buried more people in the ground while they were alive  
  
-Vincent mourned the destruction of the Shinra Mansion, even though he hated it and wanted it destroyed in the first place  
  
-Squall never got that plane out of his butt, is still being teased  
  
-Rinoa laughed herself to death –see above-  
  
-Irvine…….may he rest in small cube shaped pieces  
  
-Cait Sith ended up joining the Turks as a punching bag for Reno, many bruises followed  
  
- Aeris and Everyone Else Died –see Sephiroth epilogue-  
  
---------------------------------------------------THE END------------------ --------------------------------------------  
  
Please review this story, it may be unoriginal…but it would be nice to read some reviews 


	2. Day 2- Shinra News-on Location (oooooooo...

Day 1- Shinra News, on location  
  
*Shinra Logo appears and the words 'ON LOCATION' fill up the screen as we see Tifa and Cloud 'who has a drinking problem' sit down behind the desk which is located in the hotel at Dollet  
  
Tifa: Hello, and welcome to Shinra News  
  
Cloud: Gwwwwafeeeee *Collapses and releases the bottle of whiskey which was in his hand*  
  
Tifa: O.o…anyway, the main news tonight, Terror has struck the citizens of Midgar as Jenova returns and plans on killing us all, here is some footage we got of Jenova  
  
*Jenova appears on screen*  
  
Jenova: Garrrrweeeeeefoooooooooooosheeeeeeewaaaaaaaaa *falls over* haaa haa haa  
  
*Jenova stumbles over to Cloud*  
  
Jenova: The is *hic* the greatest idea ever *hic*  
  
Cloud: *passes out*  
  
-Clip ends-  
  
Tifa: Well that explains how Mr. lifestream over there got drunk  
  
Cloud: Why I *hic* outta punchcha *Attempts to hit Tifa bit misses, ultimately making Cloud tilt to far on his seat and fall on the ground, laughing hysterically *  
  
Tifa: *Mumbling* sometimes I wonder why I bothe..*notices camera* In a non related article, Vincent Valentines alter-ego 'Galian Beast' is rampaging around Lindblum, Zidane Tribal reports  
  
*Camera crosses over to Zidane*  
  
Zidane: *Eating Lunch*…..what's going on, what's with the cameras  
  
Tifa: Vincent is rampaging around the city  
  
Zidane: Really?…I never got told that  
  
Sephiroth: *Off screen* heh heh heh *Snickers even more*  
  
Tifa: Please excuse us from the phoney report  
  
Squall: *Replaces Cloud* Over in Mideel, Sephiroth has found something amazing, lets check it out  
  
*Sephiroth appears on screen*  
  
Sephiroth: Way up here at 1000ft above Mideel, you can see little moving creatures on the ground, which means that there are giant ants  
  
Tifa: Um Sephy…..2 problems  
  
Sephy: And those are?  
  
Tifa: First off, you are only 2 cm of the ground, we can see people walking beside you, and 2nd THOSE ARE ANTS YOU RETARTED EXCUSE FOR A REPORTER  
  
Sephy: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!  
  
Sephiroth Clone #7: I……thi….nk………you need………a………hu…….g  
  
Sephy: Oh Shut up  
  
*Cloud appears on screen drinking more beer*  
  
Tifa: STOP IT ALREADY!  
  
Squall: *O.o* In a less disturbing and otherwise boring story, Don Corneo has just won 12344232434 gill  
  
We now cross over to Vivi (Suddenly forgets report, and starts doing the Tango)  
  
Tifa: Well cross over to Vivi….now Gets tranquilizers)  
  
*Vivi appears*  
  
Vivi: I'm here with Don Corneo who has just won…a lot of money  
  
Don Corneo: Hoooo hooooo hoooooo  
  
Vivi: SANTA *Lunges at Don*  
  
Yuffie: *Walks out of the Don's room* YOU GET THAT %)*&%ING CAMERA OUTTA HERE *Throws beer bottles at the screen*  
  
*Screams and Vivi making gift suggestion can be heard for a few moments before the screen goes blank*  
  
Squall: WHY CAN'T WE JUST HAVE ONE REPORT THAT GOES RIGHT!!  
  
Tifa: It's a weird and wacky world  
  
Squall: *Pulls out hair* I CAN'T TAKE IT *Runs off set screaming like a 5- year-old girl*  
  
Tifa: Sh*t, ok, it's time for our entertainment part of the show  
  
-A new Broadway musical is being created (Can't see how that's entertainment) but anyway, it's called Final Fantasy: The Musical, we cross over to Cait Sith whom is interviewing one of the cast members  
  
Cait: Hello Cait Sith, how are you going  
  
Cait: Very good Cait Sith  
  
Cait: I just hafta ask myself this question, whats it about  
  
Cait: I'm glad I asked that question, It's about Jenova trying to take over the world by making the FF gang go crazy by singing  
  
Cait: I can't wait to see it, I hear I'm in it  
  
Cait: Yes I am in it, while I am out in the audience, I'll be onstage!  
  
Cait: Very good, nice to speak with me  
  
Cait: Indubitably old chap  
  
*Camera goes back to Tifa* (In case that confused you, Cait Sith was interviewing himself)  
  
Tifa: Um…..er…….Final Fantasy: The Music, now being preformed in the Humor PG-13 section of Final Fantasy 7, Fan Fiction.net  
  
  
  
*Long Silence as everyone tries to figure out what happened*  
  
  
  
Tifa: R..right, in the last new incident for tonight, Tseng has just hijacked a bas full of turnips and is trying to go to the land of fruits, here is some videos from the speed chase that's happening  
  
*Video airs with a crazy Tseng driving a bus with four or five police cars beside it*  
  
Tseng: Hee hee.can't stop *eye twitches* bomb….FRUIT *eye twitches again* guns…police hee hee  
  
I am the Angel of Death *aims bus at group of children* TURNIPS AWAY  
  
*The group of kids run for their lives as Tseng throws turnips at them*  
  
Tseng: LAND…is…*body starts to shake* THE GODS ARE CALLING ME *Picks up phone and throws it at the camera*  
  
Tifa: I CAN'T TAKE IT!, get someone else to $&$ing do this sh*t *Runs off set crying*  
  
*Credits roll showing Cait Sith talking to himself, then shows Jenova getting drunk and high*  
  
---------------------------------------------------THE END------------------ ----------------------------------------------  
  
Hope you like this one as much as the first, even better would be good  
  
Hope to read good reviews soon, oh and if there's something I should fix just tell me (besides the spelling) 


	3. Day 3: Shinra T.V

Day-3…or is that 2?  
  
-Shinra T.V  
  
After the ratings of Shinra News plummeted down to zero rating, Rufus decided that it was time to start Shinra-TV, a channel devoted to shows created by Shinra  
  
And guess who he asked to play the actors in the shows, no..not Britney Spears, the FF Gang  
  
Note: this Fan fic contains (In no order)  
  
-Outtakes  
  
-Humor  
  
-Singing  
  
-One nasty little releavled secret at the end .  
  
------------------------------------------------------Turns T.V On---------- ------------------------------------------------  
  
*Cloud is wearing an apron*  
  
Cloud: Welcome to, CLOUDS WONDERFUL UNDIER CHUNKS, today we will be cookie poo chunk soup, my assistant Tifa will help me with the soup  
  
Tifa: Sure will *Hugs Cloud*  
  
--------------------------------------------------------CLICK!!------------- -----------------------------------------------  
  
*Lifestream is heading over the mountains, advancing towards Meteor*  
  
Cloud: HOLY SH*T LOOK AT THOSE GREEN WORM THINGS, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES *jumps off highwind, and ultimately falls to his death*  
  
Director: CUT, somebody get the mop  
  
  
  
--------------------------------------------------------CLICK!!------------- -----------------------------------------------  
  
*Yuffie appears on screen holding a bunch of Materia*  
  
Yuffie: And here we have the priceless Googawasha Materia, it summons a giant toilet to drown your enemies, you can get it for 5496859356gil  
  
*Giant green Materia appears on screen*  
  
Yuffie: And this is the Crater Materia, its very good, BUT YOU CAN'T GET ANY OF THESE, BECAUSE THEY ARE MINE, ALL MINE, NYUK NYUK NYUK  
  
*Runs off stage with 5 guards chasing here*  
  
--------------------------------------------------------CLICK!!------------- -----------------------------------------------  
  
-WELCOME BACK TO MTV: Shinra  
  
Red: HI once again, this new clip is from the new band the Wallace Guys, labeled 'Cloud is a foo''  
  
*Clips shows Barret and 3 other guys that look like him*  
  
Barret: *Doing some weird symbols with his fingers* Cloud is a foo'  
  
Other Guys: Yeah Yeah Yeah, Yeah  
  
Barret: He's such is foo', and total foo'  
  
Other Guys: Yeah, YEAH, YEAH!!!!!!  
  
--------------------------------------------------------CLICK!!------------- -----------------------------------------------  
  
*Aeris and Tifa are about to kiss each other*  
  
Aeris: I love you  
  
*They get closer to each other then..*  
  
--------------------------------------------------------CLICK!!------------- -----------------------------------------------  
  
(I am So evil, MWAH HA HA HA HA, and plus……it's just weird and stuff)  
  
  
  
*Cloud is burning the poo soup with a flame-thrower as the audience run for their lives*  
  
Tifa: *screaming* STOP CLOUD  
  
Cloud: MWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA *Keep on using the flame-thrower*  
  
*Guards try to drag Cloud away*  
  
Cloud: STOP I HAVE SOUP, AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT  
  
Soldier: Sh*t, he looks serious  
  
*Cloud hops onto the bowl of soup, jumps out the window and flies off into the sunset laughing demonically*  
  
--------------------------------------------------------CLICK!!------------- -----------------------------------------------  
  
*Cloud Gives the Materia to the Sephiroth, the crater starts to cave in*  
  
Everyone: *hops onboard the highwind as the cavern collapses, flooding it with Mako*  
  
Cloud: AHHHHH, MY EYES, I HAVE MAKO IN MY EYES *Starts screaming uncontrollably* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *runs off set*  
  
Director: *Bangs head against table while the crew laugh*  
  
--------------------------------------------------------CLICK!!------------- -----------------------------------------------  
  
Barret: Foo' foo' foooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo'  
  
Over guys: Yeah, Clouds a foo'  
  
*Clip ends*  
  
Red: Well….that was….interesting  
  
--------------------------------------------------------CLICK!!------------- -----------------------------------------------  
  
Cloud: FLY!, FLY INTO THE SUN, MWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA  
  
--------------------------------------------------------CLICK!!------------- -----------------------------------------------  
  
Aeris: Isn't there something you can do?  
  
Cait: 'fraid not, in 6 hours your brain will explode  
  
Aeris: *Runs away screaming like a 5 year old girl*  
  
Cait: poor girl….she fell for it  
  
Sephiroth: *Appears from shadows* Thanks my friend, hyuk, hyuk hyuk  
  
Cait: Now to begin the…  
  
--------------------------------------------------------CLICK!!------------- -----------------------------------------------  
  
Reno: *Walking up to front door* This is our first disturbance call of the night  
  
Rufus: *Opening door* Waddaya want? (hic)  
  
Tseng: We got a complaint of disturbance from this address  
  
Rufus: yeah, some $)$|@$ING soup crashed into me house, and I have a maniac torching my garden  
  
Cloud: MWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA *Burns garden and laughs demonically*  
  
Tseng: Come over here…we won't hurt you  
  
*Cloud walks slowly over to Tseng*  
  
Tseng: NOW  
  
*Reno gags Cloud and drags him back to the car*  
  
Rufus: Thanks  
  
Tseng No prob…  
  
--------------------------------------------------------CLICK!!------------- -----------------------------------------------  
  
Stay tuned for the FFVIII part of this, please review it…I NEED REVIEWS! 


End file.
